


Apathy

by orphan_account



Series: Sanders sides angst verse [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Insecure Morality | Patton Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders is a Sweetheart, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, The sides are a family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:20:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23302312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: apathyNOUNlack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.-Patton was not okay.
Series: Sanders sides angst verse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675801
Comments: 3
Kudos: 86





	Apathy

**Author's Note:**

> Taking a break from my usual fic to bring this! I usually write unsympathetic!patton, but I've had this idea for a while and wanted to try it out! Hope you enjoy  
> Triggers - Food mention, Self depreciating thoughts

Ask anyone of the sides about Patton and they’d tell you the same thing: Patton was the sweetest, happiest, most gentle side that they knew. Always there to shine some optimistic light on the situation, always ready and waiting if you needed someone to come to for comfort, always the first to welcome a new face with a friendly smile and kind words that would make even the emptiest of hearts feel cheerful. 

Should you ask Patton himself, he would reply with the usual wrap; “I just love making my kiddos happy,” and “kindness never hurt a soul”, and this was true. Patton loved spreading kindness as far as he could, and the feeling that rose in his chest whenever he saw a smile from one of the other sides could only be described as pure ecstasy. No matter what he was feeling, seeing a secret smirk from Logan, or a tiny little grin from Roman, or a hidden laugh from Virgil, made him smile with delight, even if he wasn’t in the best mood himself. Patton lived to see others feel happy. 

So why was it that some days he just… wasn’t feeling it? Why was it that some moments he’d find himself staring at the wall, the absence of any emotion making itself clear in his head? What was the cause of the tears that he cried some nights when the other sides were fast asleep and he just couldn’t bear to exist anymore? 

It wasn’t that big of a problem, of course. Patton was happy, he was the cheerful, joyful side, and any other feelings weren’t worth thinking about. Who cared if he felt miserable, who cared if he was tired of existing? His purpose was to keep Thomas and the other sides in high spirits, and he was darned if he wasn’t going to make sure they felt OK. Those feelings could be forgotten, repressed, ignored as long as he could make others happy… right?

Except that this morning, he didn’t even want to move. 

It had been almost an hour since he awoke, and Patton was still laying absolutely still as a statue in his bed. The others would be awake soon, and he needed to get them breakfast like he always did, but still he couldn’t bring himself to move. What was the point in this? Why couldn’t he just let the others fend for themselves for a day? It would be easy, he’d just tell them he needed a little extra rest, or he was feeling a bit down, or…

No. That was selfish and unfair! The others had only ever shown him kindness (excluding Deceit and Remus, but he knew the two were working hard to fix their previous mistakes) and to leave them like that would be cruel and greedy. Besides, what if something went wrong today? How would the others feel if one of them needed to talk about something and Patton was too busy lazing around in his bed to listen? He couldn’t do that to his family, they deserved better. 

With a sudden surge of energy, Patton climbed out of bed, standing up and pausing to gather his thoughts as best as he could. His brain felt slow, as though he was surrounded by thick, suffocating fog, but he paid it no attention as he made the bed and turned to change. If he was quick, he could start on breakfast before any of the others came down, and if any questions were asked he could use the excuse that he overslept. After all, there was nothing to be done until early afternoon, when Thomas had scheduled a video. Who could blame Patton for a couple more minutes of relaxation? 

So, blocking out any feelings of negativity, Patton got dressed in his usual outfit and crept downstairs, careful not to disturb any of the others who could be asleep. Once in the kitchen, he set a large pot of coffee brewing (Deceit and Logan couldn’t function without any) and got started on some pancake mix. He knew the twins preferred bacon, so started on cooking some for them too. There, now everyone was accounted for. Patton stopped to rest for a second, leaning against the counter as he looked at the wall. It wasn’t that he felt bad, at least not physically. He was in perfect health. But something was a little off today. It felt as though some creature had snuck up behind him and sapped the energy from him, leaving behind the absence of all emotion. Everything felt pointless. 

But Patton had a responsibility to care for the others. 

“You alright there, Pat?” Roman’s voice cut through Patton’s stream of thoughts, waking the moral side from his mind.   
“I’m great! Did you sleep well?” Patton’s voice held a cheerful tone that felt completely opposite to what he was feeling. He turned back to flip a pancake, hoping Roman’s concerns would be settled.   
“Eh, too busy brainstorming. I had this amazing idea for a new video, Thomas is going to absolutely love it, I’m sure-”  
“You? A good idea?” Remus stood in the doorway, his hair messy and his eyes half closed. Roman frowned, glaring over to his twin, who simply smirked in response and sat at the table, pouring himself some coffee and downing the cup like it was a shot of whisky. His eyes brightened a little.   
“Do I smell pancakes?” Virgil slipped through the doorway, taking his seat at the table and pouring himself a glass of water.   
“You sure do!” Patton replied, slipping into his usual façade as he placed a plate down in front of Virgil.   
“Thanks, Pat.” Virgil turned all of his attention to his food. Deceit and Logan arrived at various points, although Patton hardly noticed. He made the food for everyone in an almost robotical manner, setting it down before everyone and relishing the smiles that he got from them as he did so. He sat down with a plate of pancakes for himself, half-listening to the chatter around him. Blearily, he poured himself a cup of coffee and took a sip, hoping to wake up a little. When he looked up from the cup, everyone was looking at him.   
“Patton, you don’t like coffee.” Virgil frowned, eyeing the fatherly side, who looked down at his cup with an odd look.   
“You’re right. Sorry, guess I had a dumb moment!” Patton’s face morphed into a smile, and he stood up, going to the sink, where he rinsed the coffee and settled for just water instead. Virgil was right; Patton didn’t like coffee, but the taste hardly bothered him. He felt numb. 

Somehow, with Patton away from the table for only a few moments, the twins began to argue, which in turn prompted shouts from Deceit who was, simply put, done with their shit. Patton sat back at the table.   
“Hey! What’s the problem here?” he called out gently, despite the fact that he felt like just screaming at them to shut up.   
“Someone has no idea what personal space is!” Roman glared at his brother, who shared the same expression of annoyance.   
“I didn’t mean to! And you didn’t need to shove me, it hurt!”   
“You should-”   
“Please, you two, stop!” Patton shouted, catching all 5 others off guard. “You’re acting like children! Just apologise and be done with it!”   
“But-”  
“He’s-”  
“Ugh.” Patton rested his head on the table, his efforts ignored as the twins began shouting at each other once again. Virgil rested a hand on his shoulder.   
“You tried. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” the anxious side reassured. Patton nodded.  
“You’re right. Thanks kiddo.” Patton’s smile returned and he stood, gathering the now empty plates and heading to the sink. The others slowly filed out of the room as he scrubbed, humming some song until he was sure they were all out of earshot. Resting a hand on his face, Patton gave a long sigh. 

Today really wasn’t great. Patton felt like hiding in his room until the day was over, a feeling that he was sure Virgil would know all about. Still, he couldn’t burden him with this.   
_‘Snap out of it.’_ he told himself firmly. _‘There’s no need to be so moody.’_

Still, even after he’d retreated to his room to rest until it was time to film the video, Patton felt unusual. In fact, he looked at the wall, deep in thought, and next thing he knew it had been an hour. 

_‘Maybe I should just take a sick day and we’ll film tomorrow?’_ he wondered. Then he frowned. _‘No. I can’t let the others down like that. Besides, it would be lying! I’m not sick, I just…’_

He didn’t know what was happening, but the others didn’t need to know either. No need to concern them with his issues. 

Would Thomas even care if Patton didn’t show up? He was never as smart as Logan, working his way through Thomas’s dilemmas with his rational thinking. He was never as creative as the twins, dreaming up endless possibilities to amuse and occupy everyone’s minds. He didn’t have a cool aesthetic that appealed to the viewers like Virgil or Deceit. It was a wonder Thomas even called him for the videos. He was useless. 

As Patton was summoned and rose up for the video, he paused to wipe his eyes, feeling tears begin to gather. _‘Not here. Not now.’_ he thought. _‘Don’t burden them with your stuid issues.’_  
“Ah, Patton, I was wondering when you would show up.” Logan stated, his usual tone. Patton smiled.   
“I’m here, kiddos. What’s happening?” Patton stopped to observe the room: Roman was standing in his usual spot, watching the others with curious interest. Virgil was doing his usual stand-in-the-corner-and-be-edgy thing that everyone loved. Thomas was… Uh oh. 

Thomas was in his usual spot, with an empty expression. He didn’t look sad, but he definitely didn’t look happy, and it was concerning to say the least.   
“Thomas? You alright, kiddo?” Patton called. Thomas didn’t reply.   
“Thomas is suffering from a state of apathy.” Logan explained. “He seems completely devoid of emotion.”  
“Since you’re at the core of a lot of Thomas’s feelings, we were wondering if you know what’s happening.” Virgil continued. “Are you ok?” All faces in the room looked to Patton, who smiled a fake smile. It hurt.   
“Sure! I’m great.” he lied, the words hurting as he spoke.   
“Try again.” Deceit popped up from beside him. “Not even Roman believed that one.”   
“What?” Patton’s voice trembled. This was it; he was going to let them all down with his personal issues-  
“Patton?” Logan spoke, his words gentle and inviting. “Is there something you need to tell us?” 

Patton smiled. He smiled for them, to calm their worries, to avoid their suspicions. Then he burst into tears, sinking down until he was sitting on the floor.   
“Hey. It’s gonna be OK.” Roman was one side of him, a caring hand on his shoulder. “We’re here for you.”  
“We care about you, Pat.” Virgil agreed, sitting in front of him. All sides were surrounding him. Thomas had his own tears dripping down his face as he stared at the wall, his eyes empty.   
“There’s something I need to tell you all.” Patton stuttered, his voice shaking with emotion.   
“Go on.” Logan prompted, a hand on his shoulder. “We’ll listen.”   
“I’m not… always as happy as I pretend to be.” he whispered. “I’m sorry.”  
“Hey, it isn’t your fault.” Deceit spoke from beside him. “We’re not going to hate you for not being happy all the time.”  
“That would be hypocritical, considering the amount of times you have assisted us with our own bad feelings.” Logan agreed. “It’s our turn to help you.”  
“Well…” Patton looked at the floor. “Sometimes I just don’t feel cheerful.”   
“And you keep quiet about it?” Virgil questioned. “Patton, we want to know when you’re not feeling great. We want to help you.”  
“I don’t want to burden all of you.” Patton fiddled with a loose thread on the carpet, not daring to meet the others’ eyes. “You already have to put up with me not being as good as you guys-”  
“Woah. Hold on a second.” Roman put both of his hands on Patton’s shoulder, turning him so that the two were looking eye-to-eye. “Don’t you ever feel like you’re not as good as us. We’re all just as great as each other, and we all work together as a team. You are perfect the way you are, and we love you and care about you.”   
“I-” Patton stuttered. “Thank you, Roman. I needed to hear that.”   
“Don’t you ever forget it.” Virgil spoke up from beside him. “You’re our father figure, and we couldn’t bear to lose you. Right guys?” as there were noises of agreement from the other sides, Patton smiled slightly. A real, genuine smile.   
“Thank you.” he whispered, leaning against the wall. Summoning a box of tissues, Roman gently wiped Patton’s tears away,   
“Group hug?” Thomas offered from behind the sides, his own face now reconnected with emotion.   
“Yeah!” Roman cheered. The sides (and Thomas) gathered together, hugging each other tightly. From near the stairs, Remus rose up.   
“What’s that? You guys are hugging without me?” he spoke.   
“Yeah, we don’t want to catch anything.” Roman teased. The whole group laughed in response, and Patton, who was at the centre of the group, smiled once again. 

Sometimes, it was okay to not feel okay. And with these sides, with his family around him, it didn’t matter if he was having a bad day, or if he felt numb. He could face any emotional challenge he got, with his family right beside him. 


End file.
